tomorrow i will be working already. my mc actually ends on 5aug. but since i can work already, might as well go back. i m starting to feel abit lazy to work already...
went to watch midnite yest cos R promised to watch movie with me after i recovered. dont like the way he mentioned. as if i forced him to do so like tat. anyway, watched lady in water cos dragon tiger gate got no seats!! can u imagine on sunday nite leh. y those people so free like us?? hahaa of all the 3 movies by the director, i forgot his name already, i liked 6th sense the best. the plot, the way it was shot, the twisted ending still lingered in my mind. lady in the water, i felt the director had succeeded in capturing the audience's attention, at least mine lar, with the shots and music. but the storyline is not really that fantastic.
before that i had a chat with R. some so-called intellectual conversation by him. i was 90% shut off when he rattered on and on. i just nod my head without knowing exactly what he meant. he was speaking to me about the singapore system, the education system, the govt. but i must say he really read alot. alot more than me. i only read novels. haa
will tomorrow be a brand new start for me? i hope so. i realised i have not been doing what i have preached. heart over rules the mind, again. also dont know what i want. maybe i am feeling too free, too lonely recently. mind is in a state of confusion. i need to sort out things man. i need to do something, have a focus. need to have a goal.
received a call today. someone wanted me to write an essay about my illness and what i have gone thru. haahaa. when was the last time i wrote an essay??? i mean story leh. hmm... how should i write leh? i can only talk cock leh. write something serious?
let me think........ once i finished the cock essay, will post it up and you guys must give me some comments leh! btw, the deadline is thurs. so got to do something now!
*headache*
wrote a letter to a friend juz now. it has been eons since i last write a letter to anyone. with the advanced technology, email has replaced slow mail already. though i prefer to receive letter, i dont like to write letter. reason being, my handwriting is not nice, too troublesome. got to think, write, when write wrongly, have to erase / liquidpaper it away, den mail it out. *sianz* but to receive one is so heartwarming... hope my friend will feel the same way as well. ;)
have been getting up very early nowadays. woke up at 5am almost everyday. can nv have a deep sleep after i got back from hosp. think i m used to the nurse waking me up almost every hr in the middle of the night to take my temp / pressure. so what do i do when i wake up? eat lor. have been eating almost every hour. thought having chocolate will be gd. ended up having cough. kns.
very determine to gain back my weight. darn! i m only 32kg now. horrendous right?? having cough and my wound is somewhat infected. so i went to c the doc n shun bian weigh myself. regretted. sad. this is the weight i had during my upper primary times..
suddenly have this thought, maybe i should not have any baby in the future. cannot imagine my baby inherit my illness. hai... how sad right? ok lar i think too much. but nothing to do mah.
btw, anyone wanna play mj, pls call me. :D
yest my bro asked me and my mum how we find his gf. quiet, demure, tall, ger-nxt-door. my mum, obviously is pleased with her lar, told him this, "你喜欢就好。" kns.
for all my past r/s, never for once she said this to me. told her this. she said cause of the working hours of R, that's y. bs. its because he doesnt have a stable career lar. asked her if my bf is a professional who has to work night shift or go overseas to work, would she mind? of course not.
this is how realistic one can be, including me.
he asked me if i would still find him as my bf if given a chance. i said no, not now at least. no becos i had given him the chance, i tried but he refused. after so much things have happened, i become stronger, yet he is still the same him. nothing has changed. if we were to be together, the same old things will still happen. we will still be quarrelling over the same old issues. maybe not so much, cause kan kai le. but still we have no common goal. would rather find someone new.
yest, again, i said something that bruised his ego, stabbed right onto the sore spot. was very sorry but i have no choice. i dont like him being such a weakling, hiding behind the wall. he has so many good points, strong points. but dare not step out of his comfort zone. even though the whole zone is a swamp. i have tried using other methods like coming up with solutions but he doesnt want to try at least a bit. rejected my ideas. so tired.. in the end i shot him with all the hurting facts, forcing him to face the reality. my words hurt him. i became the bad person once again. guys, can teach me how to bring across truthful-yet-hurting facts without hurting the other party???
3 persons told me come out with business plans / ideas during my mc. how bad right? all guys somemore! kns. i m sick leh! so bad. talk about entrepreneurship, being daring, adventurous, keeping an openmind. *yawn* i still have my own ambition. my ultimate ambition is to be a tai tai, not housewife leh (big enuff mah lolx)
so what if i dont like to have my own business? i admit that i am not a businessminded person. everyone knows. i only wish to have a stable job which i love. but that doesnt mean that i am not careerminded. i want to climb up the stairs and reach the top management level. money is not everything to me. as long as i have enuff to spend, i am contented. love what you do is more impt. its the job satisfaction, not the money factor.
but i am still keeping my option open. one day, may be i will want to be my own boss leh? who knows.
the past 2 weeks had been hell for me. my health crumpled together with my fav soccer teams, Brazil & England! darn~ the day i was admitted into the hosp was the very same day they lost. how sad life can be huh?
how many times have i been admitted into the hosp? hmm... guess not many pple know that this was the 4th time i stayed in hosp. the 3rd time i had op. though the 2nd was a minor one. each time there was fear. of cos lar, being cut up leh! lolx.
its a mixed feeling. i m so glad that i have so many caring and supportive friends and family. its all those little actions that you pple did make me feel that i am not alone. all these keep me stay positive.
hate staying there. hate the feeling of being of helpless. hate it when my family had to suffer cos of me. hate it for having such lousy health. hate it when everyone has to worry for me. most importantly, hate it when i CANNOT EAT OR DRINK for almost 11days!!!!
oh ya, do you know, food was the only that kept me going in the hosp. haahaa. i wanted to eat, so i opted for the op. after the op, i dreamt of food!! the dreams kept me going. lolx. doc kept telling me that i have to let gas and move my bowels before they could let me eat or free me from those sickening drips.. the drips made both my hands swell like trotters. doc even threatened to put drips thru the vein in my leg if they cant find any in my hands. how bad right??
the very day when i was able to drink water.... darn!! the water was SWEET!!! no joke leh!! den milo was heaven... even plain porridge was like shark fins to me then. lolx!
i thought having able to eat was meant i could go home and everything would be just fine. but no lor. when doc told me i could go home, i was thrilled, followed by fear. how am i going walk from carpark to home, how am i going to the loo, how am i going lie and get out of my bed, how am i going to bath??
in the hosp i kept lying on the bed. the physiotherapist came, got me to sit on a chair on the 3rd day of my op. get out of the bed leh! how painful u know. on the 4th day she said we shall walk, i was like HUH??? how to?? pain leh! moreover, nv eat, no strength. walked around the room once onie, i felt like dying already. fear of pain refrained me from moving around. but the thought of getting out of there was even stronger. so no choice i forced myself to bear the pain. but i requested for stronger pain killer in case i couldnt tahan at home. hee. but so far so gd lar. pain is still there. still cannot stand for more than 5mins. have to sit most of the time. i can feel food moving in my intestine. painful also. sux.
this op made me realised something. it made me stronger. made me realised nothing is impossible as long as i am willing to move the 1st step. all talk/thinking but no action, is nothing. u can be thinking of doing alot of things, having big plans/proposals. but if u never execute it, its just bubble. fear is something that will stop alot of people from taking the 1st step. everyone is happy in their own comfort zone. uncertainty is definitely not a gd feeling. but no pain no gain.
 
Love is not about two persons gazing at each other. It is about two persons looking ahead together in the same direction.
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